Fear and Loathing In…Your Body

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is one of my favourite movies. If you have never seen it, you need to. Right now. Stop reading this and go find it.

I have a lot of fear right now. My life continues to challenge me and I continue to feel more overwhelmed by these unexpected changes. To say my anxiety is bad right now would be an understatement. It is completely out of control. I try to stay positive by telling myself things could always be worse. My working environment is a constant reminder of how much I have to be thankful for, which makes it extra difficult to feel sorry for myself in times like these.

My fear largely stems from literally having no clue as to what my future holds. I know that’s a reality for every human being. Except fortune tellers and witches. I wonder if they have anxiety? It would be hard to have anxiety if you always knew the outcome of everything. Isn’t that precisely what anxiety stems from? I’m beginning to see how relationships somehow give you this unrealistic view on your future. Or maybe a completely realistic, concrete assurance. Who knows? But I think having someone there to support you through thick and thin is definitely something that helps you cope with the unknown – knowing you don’t have to do it alone.

I thought I knew exactly where my life was headed. Really, I expected marriage, buying a house, doing some light travelling, followed by babies all within the next 5 years. It seemed great. It still does. But I’m the furthest away from that reality than I have been since I was 15, or better yet, 7. Yes, it’s hard to say where this crazy cat (and dog) lady will be in 5 years, now.

I’ve always wanted to put a lot of focus and emphasis on my career. Even as a child when playing ‘house’ with my friends, I would always opt for the ‘working woman’, often refusing to have a baby. It’s interesting how that’s reflecting on my life now. I was never a huge fan of pretending to be a Mom or have dolls. I was more so into games, sports, pretending to be a teacher or a cook, or my favourite, stamping pieces of paper pretending they were really important documents.

Most people probably grow up with big dreams of who or what they want to be. I am one of them. But I’m now 27 and I still have that dream. I feel like I should be doing something great, something influential or profound. But where do I start and how do I get there? These are the questions that have no answers. I’ve been trying to follow signs and really just go with the flow and live in the moment – see where life takes me. It’s so hard! I see and hear of every day people who make such amazing impacts on the world, and I don’t doubt for one second that those people took great risks, went through turmoil, and struggled along their way. I’m trying to keep that in mind as my anxiety gives me goosebumps and makes my hands go numb. This is all part of the process.

Side note: It’s funny when you start to talk about anxiety and people will say they have it or had it. Then you get into conversation and can quickly weed out those who legit have anxiety and those who just felt nervous or stressed for a day. If your hands have inexplicably gone numb, you’ve convinced yourself that you indeed have Parkinson’s disease, you have chest pains and have visited a hospital thinking you’re having a heart attack or blot clot in your lungs, if you shake uncontrollably at any given time, or if you get waves of electricity through your body that makes you fidget – welcome. You indeed have anxiety. For the rest of you, you don’t, so go away, you don’t get it, and stop trying to think you do, because you don’t.

I’m really trying to figure out where I want to go next. What’s my next chapter? I can’t predict it, but I am planning for it. Bigger and better things surely await me. Or is that just something people tell themselves when there’s no hope? I’m certainly not at rock bottom, I’m not depressed, I just feel like I’m reaching a pinnacle moment where I can make a choice that can potentially change my entire life. It’s makes me excited and terrified. I will never know if it was the right move or not until I take it. How convenient. Writing helps though. Conveying my thoughts on paper (or screen) really helps me to work through my feelings and thoughts. I could make pros and cons list, but I feel like they would be equal.

There’s something story-book like about these moments in your life. You literally have a blank page that could be filled with absolutely anything and it’s up to you to fill it. Oh, life.

 

 

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