The fear of the unknown.
Is there anything more powerful?
The fear of the future and how decisions that you make today will ultimately impact that future. That fear is what clouds my judgement recently.
People are always saying that you have to live in the moment. That living in the past is obsessing over things you cannot change and living in the future is worrying about things you cannot control. Change and control – both equally terrifying and reciprocal. Living in the moment has always been extremely difficult for me. I can rarely sit still as I think about what moves to make next or what events will transpire over the next few hours, days, weeks, months. It’s frustrating for me and even more frustrating for those around me. Telling me to be patient is like telling me to stand on the edge of a cliff for hours waiting for a gust of wind to push me over. Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but that is how it can feel.
I’m wanting to make a big change in my life (as if I haven’t made enough already). I want to push myself further than I ever have before, and face my biggest fear. I never thought I would ever want to leave Saskatchewan, but I think that was just Saskatchewan telling me to stay in Saskatchewan. At this point in my life I have absolutely nothing holding me back from going wherever I want and doing whatever I want. If I look back at the past 6 months, there have been a series of events that have led me to where I am at this exact moment and now it’s up to me to decide what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball that would show me my future. But where’s the risk without fear?
It’s hard to wait for a moment to arrive. My impatience and incessant urge to have things all figured out is gnawing away at me. I’m afraid of the lows I will inevitably face. The one thing that has really kept me reassured is the people I work with. Everyday I meet new people who have abandoned their country, their way of life, their familiarity, to come to live in Canada. Every aspect of your routine – of your life – ultimately changes for many of my clients. The clothes they like to wear, the food they like to eat, the ways in which they cook, their transportation, the common language that surrounds them, the way of life. I couldn’t imagine making that big of a change. So I must stay humble throughout this transition. This is one way to do it.
Wish me luck.