Losing Focus

I’ve been losing focus. Living in Toronto has been quite the experience. Though I have only been here for 2 months, I feel like it’s been ages since my life in Saskatchewan. A lot has been put into perspective while other pieces of my puzzle have been blurred beyond recognition.

I’ve accomplished exactly what I wanted to do with this move, personally. I feel stronger and more confident in myself. After years of a ‘co-dependent’ label and feeling like I could never move to a different city away from all things familiar, I proved myself wrong. But that doesn’t mean any of this has been easy or that it’s over. Every single day presents a new set of feelings and emotions. The smallest and most simplistic things can completely change my mindset at any given moment. I realize that nothing in my life is concrete or secure. I have no definitive future plan or any idea of what it could look like. I truly do not know where I will be in a year. It’s freeing and terrifying at the same time. It means that the possibilities are endless, while not having a clue what those possibilities are.

Professionally, I haven’t had much luck. Whether I’m in Regina with a population of 300,000 or Toronto with millions, it still seems to be all about who you know. Only networking in Regina is a lot easier than it is in Toronto, at least for me. I had to move to Toronto to realize the network I had built for myself in Regina. Needless to say, I’m gaining a lot of valuable experience with job search. Perhaps that’s a positive I can take away from this utterly tiring experience.

My head is fuzzy. I’ve reached the point where I want to stay in Toronto. There is so much here I have yet to see and do. I really want to take advantage of the perks that come along with big city living. I want to give myself a year. I’ve got 10 months left. But without a job, I feel like I’ve failed – in a way. Now I know I haven’t, because I’ve made it this far, but at what point do you turn around, pat yourself on the back for the great effort, but realize it just isn’t happening? How much harder should I be pushing?

I’ll be the first to admit that there’s so much more I could be doing. I could pick up absolutely any job that will pay me. I could go to every single networking event in this city trying to meet as many people as I can in hopes of a lead. But right now, I’ve lost focus. I’m stuck in a rut feeling sorry for myself. But this is a good reminder to me, to expand on my already empathetic heart, that this part of life is difficult. Money, time, even a basic schedule are all of a sudden the biggest, brightest, flashing lights in your life. It’s incredibly easy to be sucked into a downward spiral of negativity and lost hope.

Writing usually helps me work through my thoughts. Only this time, I’m just solidifying how I already feel. I’m not seeming to find any new answers this time, or feeling any revelations as I usually do with writing. I’m just feeling a bit lost. It’s amazing how so much of your identity goes into what you do for a living. How you make your living is really how you shape your idea of yourself. When you’re unemployed with a resume full of accomplishments you’re so proud of staring at you in the face, it’s like looking at a you that you once were.

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