The past two weeks have brought about significant changes in my life. They are so significant that I have lost sleep, my appetite is somewhat lost, and I’m exhausted in every way, shape and form.
I feel a sense of betrayal. I feel an incredible amount of mistrust and disrespect from certain people in my life. I have seen those around me whom I care for, get hurt by those certain people. The worst part is that all of this mess remains out of my control.
My immediate reaction with completely reactionary. I was angry. I wanted to write letters, contact lawyers, fight until my last breath for what I deemed as the greater good. I wanted those who had hurt my friends to pay for what they had done. That is, until one of those hurt people said to me, “for that initial satisfaction you get the moment you press ‘send’, it will be followed by regret, I promise you.”
I thought about all of the times I had emotionally reacted to a situation. There are so many, I can’t even remember them all. I’m notorious for it. If anyone ever threatens or challenges my personal values, I lose it. I’m a deeply passionate person with very firm beliefs and I have a tendency to only see my side of things a little too often. But the first step is recognizing it and admitting your fault, right?
My friend is right. The immediate satisfaction of a rebuttal would be sweet, but the ultimate feeling would end up being regret. Once you lay out words on a page – whether it be through email, social media, or a good old-fashioned hand written note – they can be forever held against you. Any time you try to share your growth or realizations, your goodness is tainted by those awful words that you angrily typed in a fit of emotions. Your opinions, your true self, can become null and void. Those who have read your writing, will never look at you the same nor will they believe in the good heart your profess to have. They have seen your dark side and that side is a really hard one to forget.